I didn’t blog every day for 30 days like I said I would.
And guess what?
I can feel it!
The whole idea of blogging every day was to think every day, because writing causes thinking. I’ve definitely still been thinking but…maybe not constructively. Actually, maybe it wasn’t so much “thinking” as it was “habitual mental activity.” You know how your paradigms keep you thinking the same old crap over and over? Yeah. That. I definitely got dragged into some old negative thinking since I wasn’t forcing myself to write out new ideas. Bum-mer!
I have an excuse for each day I didn’t blog. Do you want to hear them? Of course not. It doesn’t change the fact that I didn’t take time to sit down and write. Long story short: I drove 8 hours to Houston and 8 hours back, and in between I got certified to teach CIZE LIVE and I visited 2 childhood friends. It was great! It was terrible. It was eye-opening.
First, I hit the Terror Barrier hard the minute I stepped into that dance room. It was all excitement and fun signing up, telling everyone I was going to do it, and even the drive down there. Then BAM – all these negative thoughts hit me at once. “What were you thinking? You can’t dance! You definitely can’t teach dance. This is way harder than you thought. How are you going to have time for this, you have to become a totally new person to pull this off! This is only for really beautiful and cool and fit people, and you’re none of that.” Can you believe this?! It was so powerful. I think I did a pretty good job of hiding my fear from the others in class, but I know I wasn’t vibrating on a top frequency. And that bummed me out, too. It was one thought after another burying me into a depression I haven’t felt in months.
It sure felt like I shouldn’t be there. And then I remembered what Bob said in his Freedom Series audio: your paradigm can trick you into thinking it’s your intuition. Was it intuition telling me I didn’t belong here? Or was it my pesky paradigm trying to scare me back into submission?
I was embarrassed and I didn’t even want to call my mom afterward. But I did. And I told her how I felt “intimidated” by the dance and the fact that I now had to learn it and teach it. And to that, she said, “well – that says to me that you find something worthwhile in it!”
Wow. If I wasn’t sure which was intuition and which was just a negative ol’ paradigm before, I was now. Mom was right! My intuition led me to sign up in the first place. My intuition knew that I would enjoy it! My paradigm held me to a lower standard – it said that for x amount of reasons, I wasn’t able to dance or teach dance. Is that true? Hell no! I am just as capable as any other human to dance. And if I really want to teach it, I can do that too.
I’m intimidated, sure. But like mom was alluding…being intimidated means you’re in awe of something, either because it’s frightening or because it’s impressive. I’m impressed by dance and dancers. I’ve always been around dance, but I’ve never really gone after it. There’s something telling me I can’t; that I’m not good enough or free enough. I can’t quite pinpoint it. But I feel it whenever I’m (1) around people who are watching me when (2) I’m not feeling confident.
I’m not “dancing like nobody’s watching”…!
Damn. That’s the problem!
Bob told me that worrying about what other people think of me is a “dumb game.” And I know he’s right. And most of the time I don’t! But look here, this is exactly what I’m doing.
I’m not allowing myself to enjoy the music. I’m not allowing myself to enjoy moving. I’m not allowing myself to have fun!
This is bogus, man!
The rest of my week was eye-opening. I thought a lot about this. I spent time with old friends. I thought about who I was when I knew them, vs. who I am now. Things sure have changed. And you know what? They are still changing. I have some cool new chapters in front of me. I’m happy to keep reading!